Tammy Vincent - Joyful Healing: Reclaiming Lives from Addiction

:: 00:01

Hi and welcome to the You World Order Showcase podcast. Today we are talking with Tammy Vincent. Tammy helps adult children of Alcoholics reclaim their lives and heal from the trauma. Welcome to the show, Tammy. I'm really excited to chat with you about this really important topic.

:: 00:17

Well, thank you so much, Jill. I'm so happy to be here. Actually this is.

:: 00:20

Exciting. This is fun.

:: 00:22

Yeah. So tell us your story. I know that you're also an author, so we're going to get into your book. Surviving alcoholic parents at some point along here. But I really want to know.

:: 00:34

How? What was your story?

:: 00:37

So I did grow up with two alcoholic parents. My mother was actually a coke addict when I was in the womb, so it literally started before I was even born. So it was just all the effects and all the damage and all the shame and hurt and all the thinking that was normal growing up.

:: 00:54

So I mean.

:: 00:55

It was like you go through your whole life and you think, well, I guess this is I mean it kind of sucks but it's normal and then it hit me when I was 20.

:: 01:02

Six years old. I'm pregnant with my first child.

:: 01:05

And I'm rocking back and forth and I don't know if you've ever heard that read that.

:: 01:09

Book love you.

:: 01:09

I love you forever. Love you for always as long as I'm living my mommy. You'll.

:: 01:09

Forever. Oh my gosh.

:: 01:14

Be there, baby. You'll be.

:: 01:14

Yep, my baby. You'll be. And I'm literally, like, holding my stomach, holding the book, laying on the ground like crying because I didn't understand what unconditional love was. And all I could think of.

:: 01:27

To this day, can't read that story. I'm already tearing up because that's the same reaction I had.

:: 01:35

Yeah, it was crazy. And all I could think of.

:: 01:36

When I.

:: 01:36

Read it.

:: 01:38

Was I don't even know what unconditional love means. So how am I going to be able to love this baby? How am I going?

:: 01:43

To be able to all I at that point in my life, before that 10 minutes, literally before that I kept. I was just thinking, OK, as long as I'm not like my parents. And as long as I do everything opposite of what they did, I should be fine.

:: 01:57

But I didn't realize how critical.

:: 01:59

Well, what a critical point I was missing and that I didn't know how to be a parent. I didn't know how to love something unconditionally. There was so much I needed to know. So I went on.

:: 02:10

This like.

:: 02:11

Healing journey, I mean back then it there wasn't the Internet, so I literally, I remember going down to the Wayne County Library and fishing through books and just reading everything.

:: 02:20

On, you know, alcoholism and addiction and love and unconditional love and parenting. And I just dove into whatever and in the.

:: 02:31

And I realized I had a lot of growing to do. And I realized that I was definitely not the person I wanted to be, and that if I didn't get help, I was not going. I didn't think I was going to make it at that point. I mean, I had been through some pretty horrifying experiences where.

:: 02:49

I mean, I look back at it now at 55 and I don't know how I'm.

:: 02:51

Even standing.

:: 02:52

Here today, but I am so obviously there's something more important for me to do.

:: 02:58

But it's just I just realized you know it. It's crazy what the mind does and how resilient people are and what you can survive.

:: 03:09

But yet not thrive, if that makes sense and.

:: 03:14

I just.

:: 03:15

Yeah. And I just, you know, like I said, I was broken down. I was like, what don't I know? And I mean, I did the only logical thing because I said, OK, if I'm going to give birth to this child, I have to at least test my ability.

:: 03:26

To love. So I went out and I bought a puppy.

:: 03:30

And I figured if you can't love a little puppy, how are you going to ever love a child? And of course, like I'm holding this little guy in my hand at 8 weeks.

:: 03:37

Old and my heart melted and I knew at that moment that I didn't know how it was going to happen or what my journey was going to look like, but that I was going to be OK.

:: 03:48

And as I went through this growing and this process and this healing journey, I mean my kids got a brunt of a lot of my healing. I didn't know boundaries. I didn't understand what they were. I had never experienced them. I had never experienced respect for my own body or my own mind.

:: 04:05

I literally had a lot to learn, a lot, a lot to learn, and I kind of made it my mission. And of course then life happened. So I went back, I became a teacher. I've had several different jobs and done different things. And when you know the this I say the C word, that COVID thing hit, I realized it was time to make a change.

:: 04:24

I actually lost my business that I had and I was like, now it's time for me to do what I was set out to do, which is to take all of this knowledge, all of this 30 years of healing, all of these.

:: 04:36

Certificates and certifications and masters degrees and all of this stuff that I had done in trying to become a better me and share it with people.

:: 04:47

And it's an important mission, really an important mission. I.

:: 04:52

So many of us who grew up in that.

:: 04:57

In that time frame, experienced parents, because alcohol was alcoholism, not just alcohol, but drugs and alcohol, were so prevalent in the Sixties, 70s and 80s, and no matter, you know whether you were children of, you know.

:: 05:13

The hippies or you were children of you know, business respectable businessmen. They all drink. They all did drugs. It was just like it was so commonplace. And they didn't even think about the repercussions it was having on their kids.

:: 05:32

And you know, you talked about not knowing what was normal. I didn't know what was normal. I was.

:: 05:39

Like 35.

:: 05:40

Because I married into an alcoholic relationship, my ex-husband was an alcoholic.

:: 05:47

He's been sober for.

:: 05:49

I think like 10 years now, but he didn't get sober till really late in life in his life and it cost him a lot. It's still costing him, but the not knowing that they're.

:: 06:05

People can get together and not drink.

:: 06:08

That blew my mind. The.

:: 06:12

First time I went to a party and no one was drinking alcohol.

:: 06:16

I didn't. It didn't even occur to me that.

:: 06:19

It was a possibility.

:: 06:22

That's how messed up we could be.

:: 06:24

It really is and you just, you know, I wasn't allowed to go to friend's house when I was a child. I wasn't allowed to spend the night at a friend's house because my dad was afraid my mother would do something crazy to him while he was sleeping. So I was basically there to just oversee the House and, you know, make sure things were good and make sure that everybody, everything was peaceful. So I never even saw, like, we only hung out with.

:: 06:45

One family.

:: 06:47

And she is was my best friend. But her parents both drink. So it was just totally normal to be around that. I remember a baseball game. We were having a baseball game in the backyard, and her little my friend's little sister got hit in the head with a baseball bat and nobody could take her to the hospital because everybody had been drinking.

:: 07:06

So it was like.

:: 07:09

You know it, it was normal. But yet I knew it wasn't right because there's also people that drink and drink a lot that don't become abusive. There's people that drink every night of the week and think it's normal. And like you said, there's the 60s and the 70s and drugs and drinking and everything was normal.

:: 07:28

And that's, you know, even then it was more of like a social thing, but it when it's an addiction, it's different because those people are battling their own demons. You know, my parents were both battling their own things. They my mother was anorexic at 13. And.

:: 07:45

I mean, she probably started drinking. Then my father was a hard Scotch drinker from the time he was 13. He also was sexually abused. His, you know, a good portion of his life.

:: 07:53

So they had their own things going on, so it was very important for me to once I realized that what I was going through was not normal, was to help people understand, like I reach it, I look at.

:: 08:05

Addiction with 100% compassion and empathy and I absolutely hate that there's so much stigma and shame and guilt attached to it because it's a disease.

:: 08:17

You know, it's not by choice that people become Alcoholics. It's a disease. So I just think it's so important to let people know that there's a voice that they can talk, that they shouldn't be ashamed to come out and.

:: 08:30

You know, say my parents were both addicts and I need help.

:: 08:34

Because people don't do it. People don't like to do it. They don't like to breach that subject and it's like taboo. And I mean.

:: 08:42

I remember when I finally was like, I was like, I don't have a problem telling my story. Like if it can help somebody if some if it can help somebody else have.

:: 08:49

A voice or.

:: 08:50

Understand why they are the way they are and the science behind it and the reality of it. Then I've done my job.

:: 08:58

But it does. You know, it's like you said, it's an important mission because I found out at 26 how much damage had been done. Some people are still in their 40s and 50s and they have unhealthy relationships and they're codependent. And they're, you know, they're like you said, they're seeking people that are like them because their brain.

:: 09:20

Crave familiarity, even if it's miserable familiarity, it's still familiarity. So.

:: 09:26

I mean, there's.

:: 09:26

A lot of people out there that just deserve a better life and I feel like more there needs to be more advocates to help them.

:: 09:34

Get that life.

:: 09:36

That there's hope.

:: 09:38

You know, so many of them are just like they get to that point where they're just like.

:: 09:45

What's the point?

:: 09:47

And then they have kids and their kids.

:: 09:49

Have no idea what to.

:: 09:51

Do and just keeps perpetuating the cycle.

:: 09:56

Reaching out and saying, hey, I need help.

:: 10:02

And knowing and just being aware, I don't, I don't know if you went, you know, ever went through any.

:: 10:06

Kind of therapy.

:: 10:07

Or something, but I went through. I remember my first day in therapy and the and the lady said to me, well, how does that make you feel? I was like, feel, what do you mean? Feel I'm not allowed?

:: 10:16

To feel like.

:: 10:17

What? What does that even mean? Because I wasn't allowed to be super happy as a.

:: 10:22

It was always, you know what you so happy about? Knock it off, you know, blah, blah, blah. And if I cried, it was, I was weak and I was a wimp and a baby and a snot nosed little kid. And you know, so I couldn't even have the joyous moments, let alone the sad moments and the sad moments I understood. Kids are afraid kids don't like being locked in closets, you know, small things like that.

:: 10:43

But I wasn't even.

:: 10:43

His name is.

:: 10:44

Yeah, small things.

:: 10:45

Right. But I wasn't even allowed to have the joy. So just to, you know, at 27 years old.

:: 10:53

Trying to have an emotion.

:: 10:56

And I know there's so many people walking around like I was numb. I was completely numb. You could have done anything to me, said anything as long as everybody around me was happy, I didn't care. I didn't care what you said to me. What you did to me didn't matter as long as everybody around me was happy, I was cool. And I thought, you know, those egg shells are.

:: 11:16

Being carefully treaded on so.

:: 11:22

And it doesn't have.

:: 11:23

To be like that extreme, it's not to minimize what you went through personally, but.

:: 11:32

Children of adult children of alcoholic parents, they.

:: 11:36

Might be functioning normally.

:: 11:38

As adults, but.

:: 11:41

There are so many pieces that you're missing because your parents, they and they too, might have been functioning Alcoholics on the outside. It looked like they were just, you know, drinking socially. But they were drinking every night heavily, like, you know, more than a drink a night.

:: 12:01

A lot. And when you're drinking Scotch and you're drinking like, I don't know.

:: 12:06

Five or six scotches a night.

:: 12:09

You're getting drunk and you may not be violent. You may not be mean.

:: 12:16

That you're still checking out on your children and your children don't know what to expect from you.

:: 12:26

When you're in those that condition, they can't depend on you, and children need to be able to depend on somebody. They need to know you love them unconditionally, and when you don't have that, when you're growing up, you don't know what it looks like.

:: 12:42

And you don't even possibly recognize that it's had this impact on you until you start into your own processes.

:: 12:53

Just like oh.

:: 12:56

Or you see something or somebody says to me, you know, as somebody will, like, just berate you right in front of everybody. And you're like, OK.

:: 13:02

OK, cool. And then someone will look at you and go. You know, that's not normal, right? You know, people aren't supposed to talk to people. And you're like, oh, yeah. I mean, I had two extremes for parents. I had the what you would consider a functioning alcoholic father who didn't beat me, didn't berate me and yell at me and.

:: 13:21

Do any of that?

:: 13:22

And then I had the mother who?

:: 13:23

Was the ultimate extreme.

:: 13:26

My mom was a child psychiatrist. My dad was a high end stockbroker, so it was not the epitome of what you picture of an alcoholic family where.

:: 13:35

You know, there's a bottle of wine and a brown paper bag, and that's not us at all. We looked very good on the outside. My dad made it to work every day. He was what you would consider functioning, but.

:: 13:49

He was, like you said, emotionally unavailable. He was still dealing with his own demons. And you know, that's why I kind of.

:: 13:57

The whole spectrum of adult children of Alcoholics has actually kind of changed into adult children of dysfunctional families just because it doesn't matter what the dysfunction was, whether it was drugs, alcohol, the loss of a parent, a divorce, a suicide, and now it's like a drug overdose in the family, whatever it is.

:: 14:17

Because it all has the same damaging effects when the adult checks out mentally and emotionally and physically for a child like you said, kids need like three things. They need to be loved. They need to be heard, they need to be validated. You know, there's, there's a couple things they need. And if they're not.

:: 14:35

Given the basics.

:: 14:38

Without a doubt, they go into adulthood.

:: 14:41

Thinking they're not good enough, they're not smart enough. I just call it the not enough. You know, you're not smart enough. Fun enough. Great enough. Awesome. Whatever it is, you're just not enough. And.

:: 14:52

Even though you can tell yourself you're enough, you're running off of your subconscious programming, which is what happens when you're a child. So your reactions and your actions are coming from that. I'm not enough, and that is where we hurt. And that is where we go into.

:: 15:11

Adulthood thinking that you know mediocracy is OK. You know, it's OK just to be content. People are so OK not to feel joy and that is what I.

:: 15:21

Think is sad.

:: 15:24

But there's hope.

:: 15:26

Ohh well, the and that's the absolutely and that's what I say is it doesn't matter how bad it was and it doesn't matter, you know, some people go. Oh, well, I had, you know, so many people had it so much worse. So I'm not worthy to get help. And I'm like, I don't care if it was you.

:: 15:41

Getting bullied when?

:: 15:42

You were four years old on the playground.

:: 15:44

If that hurt your psyche, you deserve.

:: 15:48

Help. And it was. You're horrible is you're horrible. It don't come. I said, you know, I didn't say comparison to the thief is the thief of joy. I think that was Henry Ford. I don't know. But it is true. When you start comparing yourself, you start thinking it doesn't matter. But you know I that's my biggest thing to tell people is don't ever think that what you went through was not bad.

:: 16:11

Because if it was bad to you, it was bad.

:: 16:14

If it if it, you know if it made an impact on your life, then it was bad and you deserve to be happy and joyful. I mean, I always say, you know, we're born these divine creatures. We're not. God doesn't look down and go good, bad, good, bad, happy, sad, good, bad.

:: 16:31

I mean he.

:: 16:33

We're all made to be joyous and abundant and prosperous and.

:: 16:37

All of that.

:: 16:38

Stuff and we have.

:: 16:39

It in us. It's just we're looking in the wrong.

:: 16:41

Places sometimes.

:: 16:44

Yeah. And we're trained to, you know, take care of everybody else without stopping and really looking at ourselves and saying, hey, are we OK?

:: 16:56

And being a child of a child psychologist, that's even worse. I'm sorry, but.

:: 17:06

A. She should have known better, but B she knows all the buttons to push to really cause pain. A lot more pain than.

:: 17:15

Just somebody who's mean.

:: 17:17

Right. There's evil and there's mean and.

:: 17:20

People like that are evil.

:: 17:22

People that don't know any better are just mean, and I realize there's reasons that they got to that place. But.

:: 17:32

Well, yeah, and it's, you know, you take an absolute she was a child psychiatrist. I mean, she was an absolutely brilliant person. I can remember on Sundays. I've never seen anybody besides my mother and my grandmother that could literally complete the New York Times crossword puzzle every single week. You know, freaking genius. But in that.

:: 17:51

It was. Yes. You take the genius and you take the training and manipulation and it's just it was a whirlwind. But you know, I kind of look at it now as those things are past.

:: 18:04

What did I learn from?

:: 18:05

Them I got some great skills from it. I'm a I'm a master salesperson, you know, take what was thrown at you and made it your make it your gold. Take your trials and make them your superpowers.

:: 18:20

And that's really and everybody has that ability. I just think like I said, if people are looking for external things to give them validation to give them hope to give them all this stuff.

:: 18:32

Not going to find it. You can't be guaranteed. I mean, there is no knight in shining armor out there. You're knight in shining armor is in you. It's that's. I mean, that's really so. You have to. Even if you don't believe it right now.

:: 18:46

You have to. You have to tell yourself if you want it a happy life. You have to believe that you are your own knight in shining armor and you.

:: 18:55

Are your own best friend.

:: 18:57

I mean.

:: 18:57

You're your own hero because as long as you're a victim, you're always waiting for somebody to come and rescue you. And that never happens.

:: 19:04

Nope, Nope, absolutely not. And you know, I we, I was just talking to a girl before, and we were we.

:: 19:10

Were talking about.

:: 19:12

Talking to your best friend and talking to yourself like your best friend, you're your own best friend and I think that is her statement too. She is a life coach and she works with a lot of different people.

:: 19:23

But she said that was her statement, you know.

:: 19:26

You are your little best friend and I thought.

:: 19:28

That was just.

:: 19:29

So cool, because when you get that inner critic that is going to come at you, I don't even know how many times a day you respond and you would never respond to yourself or you would never talk to a best friend like you. Talk to yourself.

:: 19:47

It's, you know, and that's just that to me. That's like step one, when that little inner critic comes, don't listen like you deserve to be your own best friend. Don't even think things that you wouldn't think to your best.

:: 20:00

So, and it's easy to say that.

:: 20:02

To people, but there are ways.

:: 20:05

Tools I would even.

:: 20:07

Say to help people really be able to capture your thoughts and change them. And it's not like, OK, I'm just never going to have a negative thought ever again or I'm never going to be critical of myself ever.

:: 20:20

And it's a process and it really helps to have a coach who understands the process, understands what you've been through because they've been through it too. That can walk you step by step and make little changes so that you can have these big experiences.

:: 20:42

In a relatively short time, it can be life changing. It doesn't. It doesn't have to take years and years of therapy and talking about it, it can be done rather quickly and there's so many modalities out there that can help you reshape your subconscious and reshape your thoughts and reshape the way your.

:: 20:47

Oh yeah.

:: 21:02

Your body responds to different situations, so much so that you might not even recognize yourself in a.

:: 21:09

Couple of years it's like.

:: 21:10

Oh yeah.

:: 21:12

Oh yeah, absolutely. And it's just, you know, what works for one person doesn't work for the other. And it it's trial and error and it's trying different things.

:: 21:21

And I talked to a lot of people that aren't even aware they're at that very first stage of awareness that, wow, maybe it does have to do with my childhood and honestly, everything that we do and every like snappy decision we make is.

:: 21:34

All from our.

:: 21:36

Mind. And that is basically all from your childhood. That is all the programming that happened when you were younger, before you were making all those conscious thoughts on your own and you were being able to process all that. And your brain was mature enough to think through those things. That's where all your baggage is way back when you were little. So. And there are, there's many, many modalities. I always tell people the first thing is.

:: 21:59

Just start being aware.

:: 22:00

Just being aware of anything of just being like if you get angry.

:: 22:06

Stop and think. I always every time something happens to me and it's not just going through life if it's off the path and any way I stop, breathe and think about why it's.

:: 22:18

You know, why did I snap at that? And it might take asking myself 15 different questions to get down to why I really snapped at that. But there's always an answer and it's always, it's not always someone else.

:: 22:29

'S fault or your fault.

:: 22:31

Or you're just mean and bad and they're mean and bad. It's there's usually a better explanation.

:: 22:37

Being curious more about being curious about why, why did I?

:: 22:39

Pink dress.

:: 22:42

Have that thought.

:: 22:43

Why am I reacting this way? Why? Or even why did they?

:: 22:48

Say that that way.

:: 22:50

Right. I wonder they were bad. Yes, I wonder.

:: 22:53

Yes, one.

:: 22:57

I mean, curious being curious, is #1 being aware and then being curious not being quick to blame and judge?

:: 23:06

Because that's usually not just at yourself, it's at yourself and others. So.

:: 23:12

And a lot of.

:: 23:13

The a lot of the problems that we have with others really is our own problem. It's all in our head because most people are too busy worrying about themselves to worry about you.

:: 23:26

It's really true.

:: 23:27

Oh, you know, we got to start thinking from stop thinking from the ego. Literally. When? When our ego comes into play, that's where trouble happens, because then it's all about us, all about us and.

:: 23:40

You know, if someone says something to you 9 times out of 10, you don't know really what they're thinking when they say it. But you put all these stories in your head and you manifest all this stuff, and then you're manifesting it. You're literally making it happen because you're sending that negative energy out there and just making stuff up.

:: 24:00

Marissa Peers says tell yourself a better lie, and I just love that it's.

:: 24:05

Like you can.

:: 24:06

Lie to yourself about everything because you are actually lying to yourself about everything anyway. What? What happened to you is through the lens of your perspective. And it's the reality that you've created.

:: 24:20

Around the circumstances and so while.

:: 24:25

By today's standards, it might have been horrific by the standards of the time that you were in, they were normal.

:: 24:37

That also happens and you remember things way differently than the other people involved in the situation. Remember them, and sometimes when you change the way that you perceive what happened, not excuse it.

:: 24:50

But just for your own benefit, change that perception. You can change your interactions with others and how they perceived what happened.

:: 25:02

And it.

:: 25:02

Can heal things.

:: 25:04

Oh, absolutely. I mean, just what do they say? Change the way you look at the world and the world changes. I mean it's exactly right. It's just reframing things and looking at it from a different lens and looking at it, you know, I mean, when I look at the stuff that.

:: 25:19

Happened to me, I.

:: 25:21

I didn't used to be able to say things now. Then like 10 years ago, 15 years ago, that I can casually just talk about now because it's just now a thing. It's just something happened. I can't change it. I can't go back. It doesn't matter.

:: 25:35

I just have to put it in perspective and name it. I mean you do have to name it. You do have to come to terms with the fact that it happened because there are things that do happen that do cause a lot of trauma and a lot of anxiety. And but you don't have to go back and relive it. You don't have to do all of that. You just need to come to terms with it, name it, put it in a different perspective.

:: 25:56

Do whatever you gotta do. I mean, like you said, there's so many different modalities you can anchor it to a positive thing. You can do whatever you want. I mean, people used to say to me, like, how can you possibly think that you got something good out of being locked in closets?

:: 26:10

I'm like, well, I'm not afraid of the dark. I got over that one.

:: 26:13

You know, I'm like a very resilient person. I'm like, I can go for days without food and they're like, damn, ain't no that you can't. I'm like, yeah, it doesn't matter. It just happened. I survived it. I got. We're here. We're here to talk about different things and better things.

:: 26:30

Yeah, and.

:: 26:32

And it made you who you are today, because if you hadn't gone through all those things, you, you wouldn't be sitting here talking to me and helping other people who've had other situations. But I, you know, they might not have.

:: 26:44

Been as dire but.

:: 26:46

And they might have been worse.

:: 26:47

Too I.

:: 26:48

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

:: 26:48

Mean there's spectrums to everything and just because you're not on like the far end of the spectrum doesn't mean that you don't need or deserve help. And that's like I said in the beginning. That's why I think your mission is so important because.

:: 27:06

That you offer help to people that may be looking around going. I this I know this isn't normal.

:: 27:13

But I'm still.

:: 27:13

Feeling this way and I don't know how to get out of these trapped emotions that I'm experiencing and I don't know how to deal with them and I don't know how to have a normal life.

:: 27:23

Because I've got all this garbage rolling around in my subconscious that's spilling out into my conscious and creating this life that I'm miserable living, I don't want to be living like this.

:: 27:36

But on how to make it different?

:: 27:38

Well, there's definitely hope and there's nobody is in a stuck life forever, only as long as you want to be. You literally, it's everything is a choice. Absolutely everything. It's just.

:: 27:51

You know it's people get they do get stuck and they get stuff done. Different concepts you can get. So I've seen people that were stuck for eight years in alanon programs because they got to the part about forgiveness and they couldn't forgive the person that hurt.

:: 28:06

Them. Well, then, reframe forgiveness. Do what you got to do. But.

:: 28:10

Move on like you have.

:: 28:12

To move on, it's your choice.

:: 28:13

Now you're gonna be stuck in that.

:: 28:16

You it's because you want to be or you don't want to get out like you. There's hope for every single situation and every single situation can be reframed and reput in a way that, you know, I mean forgiveness. I have conversations about this all the time because I always. I always say to my clients, like, did that person ever even come to you and beg for forgiveness?

:: 28:39

Never had one say to me. Yes they did.

:: 28:42

So I'm like, so you're wasting 60 years of your life feeling guilty about something that that person doesn't even want from you.

:: 28:49

Like move on like.

:: 28:51

You know, it's just because of stock and we don't want to be stuck. We just want to be taking baby steps one day at a time, one step forward and you're going to, I mean, healing is never earned.

:: 29:02

Easy. So there is going to be one step forward and three steps back and then five step forward and two steps. I mean that's how it works. It's not a linear path to sad today happy tomorrow.

:: 29:15

But every step forward is so worth it, so worth it.

:: 29:21

Yeah, it really is. It's just.

:: 29:26

It's just taking those little steps.

:: 29:29

And recognizing that.

:: 29:32

It doesn't.

:: 29:34

It doesn't have to be hard.

:: 29:39

And I have one more comment about forgiveness, because forgiveness is something one of those words that I think most people get.

:: 29:47

Mixed up about what it really means. Forgiveness is for you. It is not for the other person. If somebody comes and asks you to forgive them.

:: 29:57

They often are wanting you to excuse their behavior, not to forgive them.

:: 30:04

And if they come to you and ask you to forgive them, but do not change the behavior that caused the problem in the 1st place, then you do not forgive them and you do not excuse them. You create a boundary and you push that boundary further out so that they cannot hurt you again.

:: 30:24

Forgiveness is what you do for yourself when you allow them to.

:: 30:30

Exist in the boundaries that you've.

:: 30:32

Set up.

:: 30:33

Forgiveness is establishing boundaries.

:: 30:36

For what behaviors you will accept around you that you can walk through comfortably?

:: 30:45

It's not.

:: 30:46

It's not begging people to forgive you for things that you may or may not have done, that they probably don't care about, and they just look at you like, what are you talking about?

:: 31:00

I can. I can give you a first hand example of that. My ex-husband. My parents hated my ex-husband.

:: 31:07

And when he quit.

:: 31:08

Drinking, he called my dad and apologized. And my dad.

:: 31:13

Talked to me later and.

:: 31:14

He's like I have no idea why he called me.

:: 31:20

It didn't change anything.

:: 31:23

No, that was just that was him want. Yeah. Him wanting your father to say I forgive you and it's OK. And the and no and no but.

:: 31:31

If it doesn't happen though.

:: 31:33

No, I mean and. And I think for people get stuck and I mean this could be a whole nother conversation. The whole thing is that they look at the biblical, you know we forgive and then it's for us and it lets us go like with my mom. I don't harbor any ill feelings towards my mother. I look at addiction with compassion and empathy and I know she was in such a bad place.

:: 31:57

Do I forgive the things that she did?

:: 32:00

Absolutely not. I don't think that's necessary, but I don't have anger. I don't have resentment. I don't have hate. I don't have all those things.

:: 32:08

That people say you can have if you don't forgive. I don't have any of that. I let it go.

:: 32:12

I'm at peace with it to me that that's good enough. I'm at peace with that and that's, you know, like I said, it could be a.

:: 32:20

Whole nother conversation, but.

:: 32:23

I just I it's about making yourself well, body, mind and spirit. It's about doing what you have to do to let go of the anger and the hate and the pain and whatever it is it it's. It doesn't matter what it is you know you deserve that life of happiness and if you're.

:: 32:43

If you're quote UN quote stuck.

:: 32:46

It's it could be something so minor it could.

:: 32:48

Be something that.

:: 32:49

You don't even know. You know. That's why I think it's this good. Education is the key. Awareness is a key. Curiosity is just a major key. All of that. All of that ties together and you get a support group or someone you resonate with that can walk you through it. I mean, I don't tell people what to think.

:: 33:06

I would think where to think I hold space for them to come up with their own ideas and then I I'm.

:: 33:12

There to support.

:: 33:15

So that brings me around to the.

:: 33:16

Question how do?

:: 33:17

You actually work with your coaching program.

:: 33:20

Most of it is one-on-one coaching. I do have a group coaching that I'm kind of in the middle of doing right now. I've never really done group, although I really enjoy doing group. So right now it's pretty much one-on-one coaching. You can just go to my website. It's just my name. Tammy Vincent.

:: 33:33

Dot com I do.

:: 33:35

One session all the way up to if you want a year package. I work with everybody individually. Some people don't need a year. Some people I'll have for life. It doesn't. Every journey looks different and every journey is on a day-to-day basis. So there's no A-Z, there's no steps one to 10.

:: 33:53

It's whatever that person needs at that moment.

:: 33:56

And people can find out more about you by reading your book, alcohol, surviving alcoholic parents.

:: 34:02

Yeah, that's more of a. That's more of a children, a teens guide, but it's relevant to anybody that's going through any kind of dysfunction really. It's more. It's not even really my experience. It's more of a reference guide for younger people. But as people are reading it, they're like, oh, wow, this is not just for younger people.

:: 34:21

So it's written very simply because it is for written for teens, but it really just puts a big overall picture about what you're going through with dysfunction and ways you can help. It literally goes from a.

:: 34:33

To Z like Z is 10 ways to have a more Zen lifestyle. A is alcoholism, addiction and you know, whatever attachment. So it's literally a guide. But yeah, my book I well it's on my website. I also give out a free chapter to anybody that wants it if you.

:: 34:51

Want just the free book? You can get it for $0.99 and ebook, so it's pretty simple. Everything's on my.

:: 34:56

Website Though so.

:: 34:57

Perfect. Perfect. So what's?

:: 34:59

The one thing you want to leave the audience with today?

:: 35:03

That everything you have to live your most joyous, productive, fulfilling life is right inside of you. You were born with everything you need. There's no sense in looking all over the place because you got it all inside of you and you just need to know that you are so, so, so worth it. You're more than enough.

:: 35:24

No matter what.

:: 35:26

Absolutely. Thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate it.

:: 35:31

Thank you for having me.