Episode 206

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Published on:

16th Jan 2024

Teleshia Delmar - Strategies for a Happy and Healthy Marriage

In this insightful episode, Teleshia Delmar, founder of the Happy Wife Sorority, shares her transformative journey from marital dissatisfaction to creating a supportive space for wives. Emphasizing the power of sisterhood, she advocates for self-care, setting boundaries, and ongoing conversations in marriages, underscoring the need to redefine societal expectations and navigate the evolving dynamics of relationships.

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Transcript
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Hi and welcome to the You World Order Showcase podcast. Today we are talking with Teleshia Delmar. She is founder of the Happy Wife sorority. I love that it just speaks to me of coming together of wives and women and sisters and just.

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All the stuff that wives.

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Need for support, so welcome to the show, Teleshia, how'd you get

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Started in all of this.

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Thank you. Well, I would have to say that I was not a happy wife, so that is what kind of really spurred me to get to this point. You know, I had on the outside, you know, my life really looked successful. You know, I had gone to college, gotten married, had the.

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You know the job, the nice car and the Nice house, so by society standard.

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I look pretty in a good spot, right? Look, really successful. But honestly, I was married and miserable.

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And so my husband and I, we had gotten to a point where we were, we became glorified roommates. And so how I described that is like we were literally sharing space like, you know, I was coming home every night. He was coming home every night. We were sharing space in the same bed, but we were not emotionally connected. And so I say we were sharing space.

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Kids and bills. But we really weren't sharing each other. And so and I was like and honestly at that time, sometimes we weren't even physically connected, if you know what I mean. And so it just got to a point where I was like, you know, but this is not even fun no more. I didn't think married life was supposed to be like.

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This and so you know we, we weren't disrespectful for one another, but you could just tell we weren't growing together. We were truly growing apart. And so one day I said to my husband, I said, you know what? I think we need to go to counseling. I think we need to, like, work on it. Because clearly you and I have not figured out how to do this thing together and get out of this rut.

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But we felt.

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Really stuck and so he looked at me dead in my face and was like, Nah, I'm good. Can you imagine, How I felt in that moment, like, in that moment, I was angry. Like, this is the man who professed his love for me.

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What in the world. Why are you giving up? And then I went from angry to being sad and crying. My tears crying out.

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And so after that moment I just said, you know what, this is not going to define me. I made a vow before God and my family that I was going to take these vows to the day that I die. And so I said to myself, if this ship fails, it won't be because I didn't do everything that I needed to do for me.

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And so I actually went to counseling without him because he didn't want to go. He thought he was good because clearly he thought everything was my fault. But honestly, when I went to the counselor.

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I was like, it's all his fault. Like he's wrong and everything. And so I had to learn the hard way. It wasn't all him, right. Some of it was.

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Me and so the counselor began to help me see the blind spots. And I always think there is value in having an independent person who can see the things that you can't necessarily see because you're so close.

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And inside the situation, and so I began to work on me. And can I tell you, I start to show up differently.

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And then my husband saw it and out the blue, he came to me and was like, I'll go to counseling with.

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You next week.

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Can you

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Imagine and so of course the old Teleshia would have said it's about time you came to your senses. You should have made that decision a long time, like I would have gone off. But the new Teleshia said.

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OK.

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And I let it be. And so he started to work on him. And the one the really big thing that I learned from that experience is that as wives, we really do have power and influence. We just don't use it correctly. And so you, you can't make a person change, but you can certainly inspire them to want to be better.

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And that's ultimately what I did for my spouse. And so I just thought, you know what? I need to help. Otherwise get the key.

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You know, to understand that you do have value, you do have worth. You do have power, you do have influence, but maybe, just maybe, we're approaching it, not necessarily in the right way. And so I wanted to create this safe space where wives can come and talk about the ups and the downs and the ugly about wifehood.

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In a space where you don't feel judged and you're not embarrassed by your situation, you know I got married 22 years ago and so back then there was no Instagram and Facebook, but everybody looked happy. And so now when I think about couples now, everybody looks happy on the gram. Everybody looks happy, but then you don't really know what's going on in the.

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Inside. And so I just decided that I wanted to create a platform so we can talk about the not so happy parts of our relationships so that we can get the help that we need and feel like we are not alone because you always feel like is everybody else is happy and why you're not happy and what's going on in your relationship. And so I just wanted to create this safe and sacred space.

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For wives to come and so and get the strategies that they that they need so they can not just be a Good Wife but also be a happy wife.

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You know it's.

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Being happy is so underrated.

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And there was an old saying. If Mama ain't happy. Ain't nobody happy.

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Right.

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My husband sometimes says that to me about being a wife, being his wife, it's like.

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It is a give and take.

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On both sides, my grandmother used to say it's a 60/40 proposition and both have both sides have to give 60.

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But it's also.

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About knowing each other and knowing your hot buttons and which buttons you can push and which buttons you.

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Just need to like.

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Cover and not, you know, this is the nuclear weapon.

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Don't detonate this or you're.

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Going to just blow up your whole marriage?

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And you just don't push those buttons.

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Yeah, it's definitely about learning each other and I think sometimes when you've been married and especially when a dog, or when kids come, they're, you know, there's such a joy, but they will kill a relationship instantly, right? Because your focus becomes the children. And so you stop focusing on each other and you stop nurturing the relationship and everything is about the kids. And so I tell the wives.

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I said, look, there's a difference between having transactional talk.

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Versus quality conversations and those transactional talks. So the things that really need to be happening, who's going to pick up Johnny from basketball practice? Who's taking little Belle to piano practice? You know, the refrigerator broke, how we're gonna pay for it? We're gonna get it out the savings. So.

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We're gonna put.

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It on a credit card. Those conversations are definitely needed.

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But I called those transactional talks because it's really about. It's not about you all. It's about the things around you that need to be handled.

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And so a lot of times when you're in your relationship because you and your spouse are having those transactional talks, you've missed interpret that, as if it's you all nurturing the relationship and it's not, it's handling that. But you can't forget to have quality conversations. Babe. How was your day today, babe? Tell me, how does that feel? You know, this is what's going on in the political scene. What is that? How does that make you feel?

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This is what's going on.

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The job like knowing each.

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Other you know and because we're all getting older, which means hopefully we're getting more mature, we're evolving different influences or coming at us. And so we get it to the space where we're not even growing and learning each other and nurturing the relationship because we're so busy focused on the car note.

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The kids, the tire.

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That that, you know, it's all the things that we need to do. And so we definitely need to create more quality conversations and so that we can make sure that we always say and when it comes to a relationship, especially a marital relationship.

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You're never standing still. You're never. You're either growing together or you're growing apart. There is no middle ground. There is no Gray area. And so if you're not careful, you may think that those transactional talks are growing together. But I can tell you.

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How many people?

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Have decided to say split.

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Days and they're like, I don't even know this person anymore, because when those kids move out and move on, you like we're done now, we've been talking all these years. Yeah. You have about the kids now the kids are gone now. You're looking at each other. Like, who are you? I need to find myself. I need to figure out who the heck.

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You are and so we got to make sure that we don't lose sight of that.

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And so that you all can continue building the bond as you are making and raising the kids and doing the transactional talks that that are needed to run the day-to-day so to speak.

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And looking forward to the future, you know, having talks about it, you know when the kids are gone, we will.

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And having some hopes and dreams that don't involve the kids and having vacations that don't involve the kids, you don't have to take them everywhere.

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We need you shouting from the.

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Roof rooftops of that right. It is so important. And actually I just came back from.

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A girls trip.

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And I'm like taking girls trip because sometimes you need to get away from your spouse, too. The spouse and the kids, right? Cause you just need to refresh. You need to hit the reset button and you just need to fill your cup. And I think it's wise. Sometimes we take it for granted that you know, everybody's taking, you know, you got your spouse taking your kids, taking your boss taking.

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Mama's taking cousins, or to everybody's taking. But when are you getting your cup filled up and a lot of.

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Times, you know, when you do the little things like Armageddon, Manny and Patty. OK, you didn't fill your cup. You just put a drop, a couple drops in.

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The cup we need.

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You to feel the cup like, what are you doing to prioritize yourself care and really feel your cup. And I feel like, you know, we put a couple sips in, but then we it gets drained, right.

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So quickly, because we have day-to-day demands on us. And so it's important that we even take the trips without our spouses and the kids too.

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Yeah, I agree. And connecting with other women who are kind of in the same.

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On the same journey and at the same spot in the path that you're on.

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And just.

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Having the deep conversations with them about how you feel women connect to women in a different way than we connect with men and feed our sisters, we need.

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Other women in.

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Our lives, where you can just say yeah. And they're like, yeah, I get you. And you say that to your husband and his eyes glaze over like.

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What are you talking about?

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That's not even.

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A thing you're like, yeah. Yeah, it is like.

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We get each other right and it's nothing like having a conversation with someone who gets us right? You know, people laugh at me all the time because I'm really protective about who comes in a happy Wife sorority.

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And I say, look, this is truly an exclusive.

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An exclusive group. We don't want the singles in there, the.

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Singles can't relate.

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We're in the thick of married life. We need someone who understands that. And so I'm very particular. No men in the group? No, not in this group. You get your own group, but not in the happy white sorority. Because we really need that sisterhood to help us when we when we're ready.

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To cry, bent, share, laugh, grow and celebrate. We want to do it with people who understand us and get us, and we want to be our biggest cheerleader. You know, sometimes always say being a mom and A and our own life. It's almost a thankless job. Because again.

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You know, people just expect us to do and it's because there's this expectation from society and our loved ones. There's they sometimes don't appreciate us. And so sometimes being a wife and a mom, you just feel totally unappreciated for all the gazillion things you do.

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Every single day to make sure everybody's cared for and yet our cup is like on empty. And so we definitely need our sisterhood to kind of help support us, encourage us and inspire us when we're feeling down and when we just need that.

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Uplift and you know, as I always say, everybody needs their own height. You know how you say you need your height, man? We need our height. Woman as well, right? To kind of just steer us and help us. When? When we're getting really close to the edge and we're about.

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To pull our hair out.

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And helping with boundaries. You know, having other women to say. Yeah, that's a good bound.

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Because as women, we have been trained to, you know, you, you're it's important that you do everything for everybody all the time. And you know your needs come last. It doesn't really matter what you're feeling or what you think about the situation. You just have to suck it up and do it anyway. Well, you know.

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That that ship has sailed and women more often than not are coming to the conclusion that no, I need to put me first because.

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I it's better if.

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I get my needs met, then I'm much better at needing everybody else's needs and it's going to happen and everybody's going to be happy with it rather than me doing it begrudgingly because, you know, I really wanted to do something else for myself, even if it's sitting up in my room and watching television alone for an hour a night.

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Yeah, absolutely. And we and we have to shift that paradigm because we come from a society where the expectations on a woman are so unrealistic and then we get shunned because we want to do something. I remember, let me tell you, I remember there was a point where, you know, my husband worked from home.

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This is way.

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Before cold, this was years ago. My husband work from home, so he would take the kids to school and pick them up, and for a long time I felt.

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Inadequate as the wife and a mom because the other moms were like, oh, my gosh, where's his wife? Why is he picking up the kids? And then I had to wake up one day and like.

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They're his kids, too. Why can't?

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He took them off and pick them.

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Up and so.

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Sometimes even other women will be looking because we're so brainwashed.

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And to thinking that the wife has to keep the house clean, the wife has to take everything with the kids and drop them off and pick them up and do homework and schedule doctor doctor's appointments. Like there's just this brainwashing that has come over as a society. And then when we get a glimpse.

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Of wait a minute, it could be something different. Then the guilt comes in. Then it's like, Oh my gosh. But am I not going to be a Good Wife and a good mom if I don't do all these things? And so that's why I really work with wives on helping them with their mindset. Get it? Like, getting out of that mindset that you have to do it all and be this super mom because.

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That's what our emotional health, our physical health and our mental health is all being compromised. And so we have to recognize that, you know.

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It's so if my spouse don't do the dishes, then you know what? Maybe they'll be. They'll may have to sit in the sink overnight because I'm tired and I'm exhausted and I need this extra 30 minutes of sleep. And so we have to be able to say that I had a client one time and she was like, oh, my gosh, Felicia, I talked with my husband. We had this deal. I was gonna go down and do dishes.

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He was going to put the kids to bed, give her a bath and put him in the bed. And I came upstairs and he hadn't done it yet. And I said, well, what did you do? And she said, well, I gave him a bath. And you know what I told her? I said, you know.

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But I hate to say this, but you're.

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Proud of the.

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Problem because now you're teaching your spouse that when even though he had agreed to do something when he doesn't do it here you come to the rescue to pick up the things that he didn't do. And I said so my thing is, what is the worst that could happen if your kid go to bed without taking a bath?

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Is that really that bad? Right? If this is not a life or death type of situation. If your kids are not starving like we have to be able to let some things go and that's where having boundaries come in to say, you know what, baby, you and I had an understanding, I would do this. You would do that. I cannot do it all. And I need your help.

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And then when he doesn't come through, it's not necessarily jumping in and do it now again depends upon the circumstance, right? That's why you have to wait. What is the worst that could happen if my kid goes to school and their hair is not done all nice and neat, or if their uniform is wrinkled?

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What's the worst that could happen?

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And so sometimes we have to not enable our spouses by doing the things that they say that they would do. We have to hold them accountable, no different than what we help hold people accountable at on our jobs when they're not a team player. They don't do their part of the work. Right. And so it, it takes a lot of shifting. And so I always tell wives we're, you're in this space.

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To help you get the courage to shake things up because for some of us we have allowed.

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Our spouses to get away with way too much and. And while that may have been OK in the first five years of the marriage, maybe you're in a season in your life where it's not OK because now you're physically tired and you're stressed out and you're completely overwhelmed. And so now we have to shift the conversations with our spouses and say, you know what that was OK five years ago, I was younger.

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The kids were in a different spot. I was in a different spot, but I think we need to make some shifts and some changes because I can't keep going like this because I'm.

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Running ragged. I'm tired, I'm depleted and I'm no good for you. And so that's why, you know, we have to help wise get the courage to have those kind of conversations. And that's the thing that I kind of help them with being.

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A part of the sorority.

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And it's not just A1.

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Time conversation. It's ongoing because there's different seasons in our lives, and the longer you're.

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Married the more of those seasons you're going to go through and you negotiate. You negotiate all the way along. I I've reached the season in our life where my husband's retired and I'm not. And he was a truck driver, so he was gone all the time. And I was used to a certain amount of personal space in my life. I.

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Don't have any more.

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But I also did like everything for him when he came home, I.

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The dishes the.

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Laundry. I made all the meals. I did all the shopping. I did all the everything and.

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When he came home, it's like I can't do this all the time. I have a life of my own. I have things that I do.

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I can't live my life in your life.

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Too. So he's learned to.

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Cook and he gets all the grocery shopping and he runs the errands. I can't tell you the last time I filled the car up with gas cause he just takes care of it.

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He takes the.

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Trash out all the time. I never take the trash out.

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Anymore it's.

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Just like.

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It's being able to have conversations and say, hey, you know what, can you do? How can you fit into the flow of where we are right now versus you know?

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You're talking about people that have little tiny kids, their dynamics as a couple and a family are much different than people who have teenager kids who have, like obligations and tons of things they need to do. But no.

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Driver's license. So you.

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Get into the taxi, period.

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That is so, so true. And I love your story because that highlights how.

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You there was a period in your marriage where you did everything and you had to have conversations with your spouse, repeated conversations because it's never just one conversation like you said, right? But then guess what. Now he's chipping in in ways now that he didn't five years ago, and that's the hope that I want to give wives your exact.

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Example is what wives need to hear because a lot of times they don't think.

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Three conversations they're like, oh, he'll never change. Oh, he'll never. He'll never want to do that. And they give up after the third conversation. Right. And just like you said, it's a repeated conversation. But if we if we don't give up hope.

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Right. And be willing to work through the situation you'll get. You'll get to that point where it'll be so much better for you, but a lot of times wise give up hope and think, oh, all hope is lost. It just is what it is. And I'm here to tell wives.

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It isn't. No, it is.

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I have a secret too and this is.

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Remembering to be grateful.

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I have to tell my husband on occasion. Hey, babe, it is so great.

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That when I get in the car, I never have to worry about filling it up or I am so grateful that you take the trash out. I don't even have to mention it. I just know that in the morning I'm going to go downstairs and empty my.

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Ground coffee grounds into the trash and it's going to be empty and it makes me feel good when I know that I can depend on you for that and it makes them feel good because it feels like you're giving them feedback that what you're doing matters to me and I and I have noticed, I'm paying attention to you.

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And they'll pay back attention back.

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Absolutely. You know, there's this thing of the law of reciprocity, right. When you're kind to people, they're more likely to reciprocate that level of kindness. And so when you show gratitude for what they do, what it makes them feel good, that they make you happy and it encourages to want to do more because they want to hear you applaud.

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And more so, they're more apt to doing that.

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Right. And the and the one thing that I you know I like to remind wise is that because I get, I get wise who said with Alicia he just did one thing I did 50 things today and I said I know you did. I know you did 50 and he did one of those things, but let's applaud him for the one thing because tomorrow it may be 3.

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Things. And then let's applaud them for the three things, because the next day it may be 5 things right. And so that's why I tell wives you might not get him to do 25 things and you do 25 things, but start with the one and let's work our way up 357 and then you'll get to a space. Now it may not never be 5050.

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But the goal is do you see him putting forth an effort that matters a lot? And so when you can show that gratitude is you just describe what you did for your spouse. It makes them want to do more. And so that's one of the pillars I talked about. As wives, we have got to know how to use our info.

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Because we can inspire them to want to be better husbands, better men. And you know, the whole saying behind every great man. There's a great woman. I truly believe that. Right. But we have the power and the influence. We just have to know how to be strategic in using it. Not manipulative, but being very strategic and understand how to press the buttons to get our spouses.

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To want to do better and want to change, it's possible.

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It is possible and it's kind of fun. It's not. It's not being mean and it's not nagging and.

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It's, it's.

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Really, using the creative side of your.

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Mind. And I think having the sorority is an amazing opportunity for women to collaborate with each other, if nothing else. So it's like I'm having this struggle. What are you guys doing when you encounter this and?

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I you know.

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When you're when you're with a group of people that are all walking on your same path, you've all experienced similar things because you know there's.

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It's just like there's a certain amount of things that happen to everybody in a marriage situation, just like, you know that you talk about taking your kids to the sports events or practice music practice or in school or whatever, doing homework, even.

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You know, there's these expectations of where they used to be, that they're changing. And the reason that they're changing is because women are talking about it. They're like.

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You know, no, we cannot do it all.

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No, we can.

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You know, even if your husband only runs the vacuum once a month, at least you run the vacuum once a month.

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That was one time less than you had.

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To run it.

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Exactly. Absolutely. Absolutely. So that's what it's really about helping us understand that there is.

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The possibility of things changing and you can't give up hope, no matter how bleak your situation may feel in the moment. And we have to we just have to make some shifts as to what's really important is that really important, you know? And so it's so funny. I used to be.

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The ultimate like I used to clean up, I used to spend 8 hours on Saturday cleaning the house and at that time my husband and I, we just had my stepdaughter so she would go to her moms's house for the weekend so she would be gone. My husband would go play basketball. So on Saturdays I would be in the house all by myself.

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Clean the house thick and span 8 hours flat, right?

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And I was doing it.

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And I was fine with it at first.

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And then it got to a point I was like.

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Cleaning and everybody comes in and the house smelling.

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Good. Everything's.

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And they don't have to do anything.

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And I say, oh, no, let's have.

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A family meeting.

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You know like.

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What started off as something that I enjoy?

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Right. I did and I did enjoy it for a moment and then it got to the point I was tired and I was like, well, why am I the only one? And so I had to have conversations. I had to call a family meeting and say, you know what, we need to shift some things. Right. And so we have to recognize that.

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We definitely go.

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Through seasons in life, and So what worked in one season may not work in another season.

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And so we have to be able to pick.

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And include, you know, our loved ones in that conversation to help them understand the why. Because of course, they all looked at me with the side eye and was like when you were doing it. While all of a sudden, now we have to you. And I was like, oh, I did it. How about you be grateful and thankful that those were days that you didn't have to clean, but it's come to.

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A point where this is a team effort.

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And everything shouldn't fall on one team member and I gave them the analogy like even when you play basketball, you know, back in the day it was, it was Jordan. And I was like, Jordan can score 5050 points and guess what? The team could still lose.

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This is not all. On the back of one person, it is truly A-Team effort. And so while we all have different contributions and yeah, I may score more points than this and but we all have a level of contribution. And so it's being able to recognize that while we've got to release ourselves from this definition that.

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If our spouses do certain things, it means it's not, it's on us and we're not a good mom and we're not a Good Wife and things of that nature. And we have to release our self and give us that freedom to recognize that we're not Superwoman and it's OK and we weren't built to be a super.

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Yeah, we have better nurturing and emotional, emotional qualities maybe than men, right? So, yeah, you can say that, you know, when the baby cuts her, cut her. Her knee on the side walk. You may be a lot more loving than maybe your spouse. May be sure. Right. We have different perspectives and different things that we bring to the table, but this team.

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That's still a team effort.

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And so being able to recognize that we all might not, we might not get to 5050, but everything cannot fall on me and I always want to encourage wives to we need to get out of that mindset and start doing and prioritizing our self-care and filling our cup and learning how to have those conversations with our loved ones to get them on board.

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Yeah, because if you don't.

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That's a recipe for divorce. I can't tell you how many women I've seen who suddenly go back into the workforce and they're making a lot of money, but they're still shouldering all of the responsibilities of running the household and cleaning the household and cooking and shopping and all of the things that go along with a household.

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And then the then the question always comes up. What do I have a spouse for?

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Right, because.

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They're not that valuable, sorry.

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Totally. And so that's why, you know and you know, in this modern day where you know, you have some women who are making more than their spouses, you know, it is understanding. OK, well, what, what is everybody bringing to the?

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Right. And so, yeah, if the wife is making more money, you know, maybe she's been able to bring more to the table. So maybe they can afford a nanny or a housekeeper. But then what is the spouse doing? Are you dropping off the kids? Is what is your level of contribution? I when I work with my clients, I walk, I walk them through an exercise because sometimes I have to admit.

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We make things look good and sometimes we make things look easy. And so for example, if you after work you run by the grocery store, you come home, you help little Johnny with the homework, and then you cooking and then your spouse comes in.

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Your spouse just comes to a plate, a house that's smelling good with aroma, and they're sitting down with their plate mate. They don't have a clue of all the 1010 thousand things you've done since you've been home. And sometimes we make it look easy and we don't ask for help. And so they're like, oh, shoot, she's good and it's like, no.

::

No, no, no, no.

::

No, no, no. And so sometimes I walk, I walk my wives through a thing to help them truly identify all the things that you have been doing. Because sometimes for men, they need to see the visual, and then they're like, oh.

::

Wow. OK, yeah, I guess I didn't realize, you know, because it's, it's not just cooking, but you spent chopping. You've been chopping. You've been going up and down.

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The aisle. You.

::

Don't put this in the oven. You're stirring the pot, and now you went over there to help little Johnny with their homework. Like it's all those things. And so sometimes for men, we have to help them understand all the we're doing and say, baby, I cannot continue.

::

Go on all of this every day. And then especially I like to say this to my wives, especially when you're too tired for sex.

::

Now you have even more reason to tell your spouse. Babe, I'm too exhausted to have sex with you because I have done the 50,000 things since I've been home. I got up since I've since 5:00 in the morning. Here it is at 9:00 at night. I have worked all day doing something for the house or for the job.

::

And now you wanna tap me on my shoulder? Baby, I would love to Make Love to you, but I just don't have the time or the energy.

::

So now you're helping your spouse see that it's not. You're not just rejecting them for the sake of rejecting them. You're tired. And maybe, just maybe, if they help you out with something, take something off your plate. Whether they do it or whether they pay somebody to do it right, because all we say help can come in many different forms. But if they find money in the budget to.

::

Get a nanny.

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To pick up the kids.

::

To clean the house, to do the grocery shopping. That's something that's off your plate, right? And so helping them understand what it does for you.

::

And what impact it has on them? Then you get closer to helping them see that. OK, I understand. Babe. I need to. I need to help you all around the house a little bit more. Right? And so we just have to be prepared that that may be multiple conversations, but I take them through this exercise to get them to the point of having that courage to be able to start that.

::

Conversation in a way in which your spouse doesn't get dismissive or defensive, right? Because there's a way we can say it that will totally turn it off and it's and it's conversation will go sideways.

::

And then you'll never get back to the issue, but there's a way to communicate with our spouses in a way that they will hear you now. They may not like what we're saying. That's not the goal always, but the goal is to help them understand what we're feeling. That's the goal.

::

And to let them.

::

Have space to make mistakes, because when you're talking about we make it look easy. The reason we make it look easy is because we've done it a bazillion times and we know all the shortcuts. And when we pass something off and I can share with you. When my husband first learned to go to the grocery store by himself.

::

I would send him with pictures. This is the kind of stuff I want. Like I like a certain kind of canned tomatoes, so I would take a picture of the canned tomatoes and refer to it on his phone. But they're going to make mistakes. Like sometimes he would buy the wrong thing. Well, it's OK.

::

Give them space to make a mistake or you know they don't do things the way you do them. Well, you got to the point of doing them that way because you made all those mistakes.

::

You just did.

::

It faster and now you're faster and better. It doesn't mean that they can't get faster and better too, because they can't.

::

You just got to let.

::

Them practice a little.

::

Bit absolutely. Absolutely. I used to get mad at the way my husband loaded the dishwasher. He used to drive.

::

Me bananas. No rhyme or reason. Just throwing it in there. And finally I said, you know what, Teleshia? That is 1 less thing on your plate. So if it's done like that, that's I'm not even going to worry about it. And so I had to condition myself.

::

To like not worry about certain those things, because for me I'm a type of personality, so I like everything in this space. You know, there's a right way to do something. There's a wrong with you. I'm very much that person. And so when my husband didn't do stuff the way that I thought it should be done the right way, I would get angry and be like, oh, never mind. And so I tell my I tell the wives and my sorority.

::

Like, don't follow the mistakes that I made. Like if your husband is willing to do something, let them do it. It's not going to be like you want it.

::

It's OK. And so we have to recognize what is the worst that could happen, right? The worst that could happen. Ohh well, if the worst could happen is maybe, you know, the bowels stay up and the water gets all in the bowels and they don't get washed. OK, well, he'll just run it again, right. Like, what is the worst that can happen? So sometimes we have to let them learn. And you're right.

::

Like if they don't, if we've done it a million times, they've done it 10. They haven't perfected it, but it's OK, right? The goal is it's one less thing on your To Do List.

::

And so work towards that and then and then you'll when we start to let those things go, then we have a lot more freedom. And then here's the deal then it becomes a place where the things that used to bother you don't even bother you no more because you're just excited. You don't even have to think about that thing anymore.

::

My husband early on.

::

He's like, well, can you make me?

::

A list of the things that you want.

::

Done so I.

::

Have really bad penmanship, and I admit this freely, so I.

::

Right.

::

Made him a list.

::

And one of the things on the list was wipe down the bathroom.

::

Think and he thought it said. Wipe the damn sink.

::

Ohh my goodness. Hilarious. So he was like.

::

Wait a minute.

::

You know you can.

::

Have fun with it too.

::

Actually, exactly, definitely a give and take. You know they're no perfect days, you know. But the goal is not to forget that this is your life partner and in there.

::

It's not going to always, you know.

::

Be great. Always say it's like it's like it's like football, right? You know, they're going to be years. You're going to win a Super Bowl and they're going to be years where the season sucks, right? And so we have to realize life is like that sometimes. Sometimes you're going to make it to the playoffs, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you make it to the finals and don't win the Super Bowl. And sometimes you make it to the end and you and.

::

You and you win the Super Bowl, right? And so it's just it's just being able to navigate through those seasons. And the key is, you know, just like, you know, with sports, you know it's important what you're doing this season. But it's also important what you do in the offseason as well. And so it's always working towards the goal.

::

Like there is just no. Well, we're just gonna work on the goal for now. It's a constant daily work and hopefully because we've made the vows we we're recognizing that there's work every day and you know, one of the misnomers is that you know it will come easy because I love just going.

::

To carry us through, but we.

::

No, that is not.

::

Literally takes work every single day, but it's worth it if you put in the work. It is so worth it.

::

It really is, and I love that you have the sorority. How do people get involved with you? With the.

::

Sorority. And we didn't even talk about the happy.

::

Happy Wife IQ test. We have to talk about that too.

::

OK, so really quickly I would love for your audience to go to happywifeiq.com.

::

Happywifeiq.com it is a 20 question assessment to help you assess your level of happiness, and because at the end of the day it's about striving to be happy, right? We all want to strive to be rich. We want to strive to have productive kids. We, but let's strive to be happy in life.

::

And so the great thing about this assessment is when you're done with the 20 questions, you'll get a sense of where you are, where is your level, where's your IQ when it comes to your level of happiness?

::

But it will also help you discover areas that you if you make certain tweaks in certain areas of your life, you're going to be able to increase your level of happiness. And so I would love for your audience to take the happy Wife IQ assessment. So just go to happywifeiq.com. And of course, our website is Happy Wife sorority.com.

::

If you just want to check us out and check out and honestly, just join us. You know, I always say hashtag no wife left behind. We all need each other. So we don't, you know, feel alone. And we have a place where we can learn we can share. We can cry, we can.

::

It we can grow, we can laugh and we can celebrate together. And that's what it's about. We are truly the best sisterhood and support system for wives, and I created it because I was a Good Wife. But I wasn't a happy wife. And I can say now 22 years in that I'm a Good Wife and a happy wife and my husband.

::

Says I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he told me that without me even asking, so it works for me, it works, it works.

::

That is so special. It really does make a.

::

Difference. So is your is your happy wife sorority? Is it?

::

A coaching program.

::

Or is it a group?

::

So it is so that's our it. Yeah. So it's all things honestly. So when you join the Happy Life, sorority, we do free master classes actually have master classes. I do free challenges in the group, and then I have paid stuff as well. So you can either do I do live events.

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OK.

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Live slash virtual eve.

::

And then I also do a coaching program, a six month coaching program called the DNA of a Happy wife. And so that's really around helping wives get the clarity, the courage and the confidence to be able to shake things up so they can live the life and relationships of their dreams and really have a love that is passionate as their wedding day and so.

::

That's what the.

::

Academy is all about and then of course I do private one-on-one coaching for those who don't want to be in a group.

::

And really just want some one-on-one FaceTime and coaching from me. So when you join the sorority, you get access to the free stuff as well as access to some paid activities as well depending upon where you are in your journey.

::

Awesome. Awesome. Thank.

::

You for clearing, clearing that up for.

::

Us. So what's the one thing you'd like to leave?

::

The audience with today.

::

You should be the architect of your own happiness. Your happiness is not your spouse's job. Your happiness is not your kid's job. Your happiness is actually your job, and so you own and control your happiness, and it's your job not to allow other people to steal your joy.

::

And so that's what I want all wives to do. When I got married, I thought it was my spouse's job to make me happy.

::

And I had to quickly learn. It's not their job to make me happy. They need to make themselves happy. And I need to make myself happy and not to rely and depend on them for my level of happiness. Because if he doesn't show up, I don't want to be depressed because he didn't show up. Right. I have to make sure that I am in control and the architect of my own.

::

Happiness and I, and I want wives to understand that you have way more control than you give yourself credit.

::

And I want you to harness that power that you have to control your own happiness.

::

I love that. Thank you so much, Teleshia, for joining me today.

::

I really enjoyed myself. It was great talking with you and I really hope your audience has found something that resonates with them that's going to live deep within their souls.

::

Me too.

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About the Podcast

The You World Order Showcase Podcast
changing the world with one coach at a time.
Featuring life, health & transformation coaches being the change they want to see in the world! Listen in as they share what they are doing to make the world a better, kinder and more sustainable place for us all as they navigate the journey between coach and entrepreneur. And share their expertise to make your life better in the process.

Jill Hart - The Coach's Alchemist &
Host, You World Order Showcase Podcast
Contact: https://hartlifecoach.com
Join our community: https://facebook.com/groups/theyouworldorder
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Jill Hart

The Coach's Alchemist & host of the You World Order Showcase Podcast is dedicated to empowering life, health and transformational coaches being the change they want to see in the world. Join our private community, where you will find support, networking & collaboration, get featured on our podcast and we also provide coaching to help you find clients with podcasts. It all starts with joining our community! (it's free)
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